You were always there

People look at you and in their mind, you are the one that lost her.
Seeing you reminds them she is not there.
They have lost her too, but she was yours.
They were hers.
They have a hole in them that they don’t know how to fill.
They got to spend time with her, because you were there.
You were always there with her.
They got to know a deeper part of her, because you were there.
They got to see her unfold her wings getting ready to fly, because you were there to catch her if she fell.
You were always there.
She was a friend, their friend, but you were always there with her.
Yes you were.
As she said, “You make the world safe for me.”
That’s why you were always there.
When you weren’t with her, she knew you were still making the world safe for her.
That’s why you were always there.
They don’t know the things you know.
They don’t know the suffering being in this world brought to her.
You did.
That’s why you were always there.
When the world said, “You have six months to live,” you faltered and she felt you weren’t there.
You weren’t there as you had fallen.
Your wings had been bent and you could not support even yourself.
You were not able to catch her as the weight was so heavy.
When you finally got up off the ground, she was not there.
You wanted to be there.
When she came back, you tried to always be there.
It wasn’t the same.
You knew she was going to fall and no one could catch her.
No matter how hard they tried or how strong they were, they could not catch her.
When she finally fell the last time after so much…, so much what?
So much suffering?
Yes, but so much joy at living longer.
2 1/2 years past her expiration date.
But then she fell for good that one last time.
Gone from this world and the friends looked on.
They fell with her, holes in their hearts.
Her friends looked on as you fell and fell and fell and fell.
They didn’t have the wings to fly.
They knew you had lost half your soul.
Not just a hole in your heart like theirs.
Even if they could help, you couldn’t reach out to grab hold.
Time has passed and now you see her friends every so often.
You are too big of a reminder that she’s not here anymore.
So they avoid you, but not consciously.
They almost whisper when they talk to you so they don’t disturb your grief.
If they did, it would disturb their own.
They know you lost more and don’t feel they deserve to grieve.
You want them to, because they do deserve to.
You want them to share their memories of her.
That helps fill our holes, that empty spot in our hearts where she lived.
When she was here, you felt safe.
That’s why she was always there.
Now that she is gone, the world is not so safe.
She is no longer there.
Friends promise to stay in touch.
They can’t, they don’t know how and you don’t know how.
She is not there.
Her friends liked her a lot more than you and liked you because you were with her.
But that’s OK.
You liked her a lot more also and not them as much too.
You understand.
An angel, a divine being left the planet.
She is no longer there.
The hole is there and will always be.
For them and for you, because she is not there.
I am not there.
Copyright Don MacLeod

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