You May Think You Understand

Now
There you are
I was wondering if you show up
But you always do
Eventually
Sometimes sooner
Sometimes later
But you always show up
Damn it
One time
One time
Could you
Would you
Not
Would you stay away
Leave me alone
For a day
Twelve hours even
So I could do something
Live a normal life
Even briefly

I guess not
You give no quarter
You take whenever you want
For however long you want
Days usually
Weeks
Sometimes months
And even a year
I have given you so much
I wish I knew what you have given me
Patience
Maybe
Understanding
Probably
Sleep
Definitely
Undone things
Oh yeah

You see
I don’t know how to separate you two anymore
Which came first
Pain
Or fatigue
Pain I think
Fatigue followed
By more of both

There is no way to explain
To people
Who don’t have either
Oh
I had a headache once
Take two of these and
And what
Take fourteen more
And still not feel better
I sprained my ankle once
Once
Walk on them every day
Get up on broken feet
Every day
Unfurl
Broken fingers
Every day
Use every bit of energy you have
To get out of bed
To go to the bathroom
And wonder
How do I feed myself today

Can I fake it through one more day
Can I lie to the world
One more day
Can I lie to me
And believe it
One more day
That I am fine
I will be fine
This is the day
I get better
But you don’t
Maybe a little
But it doesn’t last
Some days a lot
Just enough to give you hope
But it doesn’t last
If you just thought better thoughts
Said more than the million affirmations
You already said
You would be better

Then
You wonder
What you are doing wrong
People
Even your friends
Wonder what you are doing wrong
Your doctor wants to try one more thing
You don’t want to put on another twenty pounds
You will try one more thing
And hate the weight you put on
And think it is your fault
It is
Because you tried
One more thing

You may think you understand
But you can’t
Unless you have been here

Copyright 2017 Don MacLeod

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No one must know

No one must know

So much pain

Tell no one

It’s a secret that must be kept

You don’t know why exactly

But you must remain silent

No one can know you can barely sit up some days

The pain saps every bit of extra energy

No one can know

Why

No one can know

It’s a secret

Fake it

Lie

Do not tell the truth

Lie to yourself

It will get better

It will go away

You will find the magic thing

That makes you better

You hope

You pray

It doesn’t go away

It eats at you

It takes your life

It takes your friends

It takes the things you love to do

All go away

But you can’t tell

You must not tell

Copyright Don MacLeod